HTF #07: Simon Waller has an annual commune experiment

From How to Friend · 34:56

Show by Steph Clarke

Simon is probably in the top three of the friends that I speak to on the phone the most. We have a recurring habit of when one of us is driving, we call the other one and catch up on life, work, and what we’re thinking about, currently into, or mildly annoyed by. Over the last few years, these many phone conversations have included Simon regaling the tales of his rich collection of recurring friendship rituals and events. There’s camping trips, degustation dinners, murder mystery nights, winery outings, end of summer garden parties, amongst other events. The things that have always struck me about Simon’s friendship gatherings was the level of longevity and creativity in them. These are people currently in their 40s/early 50s, mostly with both partners working full time, and with typically multiple kids, yet many of these events have been happening for at least a decade, sometimes two, with the same group. It’s easy to dismiss the possibility of this type of collective effort and gathering (especially multiple in a year, every year) in these decades of life when there are a myriad of excuses why that wouldn’t be possible. But as Simon talks about, when everyone participates, hosting or gathering for 20-40 people becomes no harder than for 4-6. There’s heaps of examples in this episode that can be borrowed from, I know I will be. Who’s Simon? As a middle child Simon is subconsciously driven by a deep need of approval, friendship and a sense of belonging. He is a dad to two fantastic daughters, a husband, a music snob, and still plays basketball twice a week. Oh and he also owns a wicked camper van that he hopes to one day make roadworthy again. His greatest achievement of 2026 is being selected to be the first ever guest [to be recorded] on Steph Clarke’s new podcast. (Note from Steph: I promise Simon wrote this). Links You can find Simon here and on his own podcast, The Future with Friends. One of the degustation dinner courses that Simon mentioned What we talked about In this conversation I quiz Simon on how he friends, his friendship philosophies, and the intricacies of some of his recurring friendship events. Here’s some things we talked about… How moving to Melbourne and one generous invitation was the genesis of 15 years of regular activities with a group of 20 adults and 20 kids How temporary communal campsite living is good for everyone (of all political persuasions) How fun begets fun; doing fun things together gives everyone the confidence to suggest more fun things Gatherings that require effort don’t feel effortful when you’re doing them as you’re making that effort with friends and doing it for them Simon’s theory on why deep friendships are often forged in our teens and early twenties The need for more vulnerability and asking for practical help in adult relationships (and how asking your friends to help you move house doesn’t have to be because you can’t afford a removal company) The lies we tell ourselves about other people being too busy for us/our problems Simon’s wife and her sister clean each other’s houses, as sometimes it’s easier to deal with someone else’s problems (or mess) than your own Doing things together doesn’t need a cute name, we can just do things together How traditions start from one event that people want to do again Traditions as a sign that you’ve found something structurally sound that can be repeated I hope you enjoy listening to this conversation as much as I did recording it. And of course, I’d love to know if there’s anything you’ll be experimenting with from this conversation. Visit https://howtofriend.substack.com/ to join in the conversation.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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